The narcissist lives in their own world. Their reality is different from actual reality. The self-image they portray that may seem confident and strong is actually delicate and fragile. If someone were to criticize or even offer a slight different opinion of the way they are behaving - it will crush them like an icicle falling from a 100-story building. They need to believe they are perceived a certain way or they become agitated and can be dangerous.

Self-image continues to evolve for most people, and may become more rigid as we age. For many narcissists, it is formed when their personality is formed (usually before age 6) and only builds upon a very basic need to be liked. They need to be perceived as though they are always right, they are smart, they are high achievers, and they are good at everything they pursue.

If someone questions this image, or worse - exposes them as a fraud - they may lash out or even become violent. They need the status quo to remain and sometimes they are excited by the fact that they could get caught but think they are too smart for that to happen. If it happens, it is a huge blow to their ego and they may not even want to live.

Exposing a narcissist is dangerous.

There is a spectrum to narcissists. What I consider to be a ‘high narcissist’ is someone who knows what they are capable of, possibly accepts that they are narcissistic, and feel great pleasure in making people suffer or be humiliated. They feed off the power they believe they have. They have conscious awareness of their near psychotic sadism and are very dangerous people. They are the most manipulative and cruel. They will cause people great pain and receive pleasure even at the thought of it. They are calculated, careful, and many times they are sociopathic/psychopathic.

The mid-narcissists are not aware of their narcissism, yet they are almost just as dangerous. They are the overt ones - the “classic” presentation of cocky, know-it-all. They are not as careful, they are not as calculated. They make mistakes causing them to move frequently and start over. They may get fired from their job for sleeping with the wrong person. They may have been found out for lying on their resume (very common). These are the ones who might have a lot of debt and generally take from others and are perceived as well-off until you really get to know them. They have a Gucci belt, but live in their friend’s basement. They enjoy attention and brag often about conquests. They think of people as commodities to use rather than people to care for. They are less aware of why they do things and live their lives on a basic level urges and reactions. They can snap and explode easily since they are not in as much control of their emotional state. They want to be perceived as someone who is stable, yet they are anything but. They might have a spouse they are cheating on regularly to fulfill their need to be wanted and their desire to take risks.

The lower-narcs are the covert ones. They are also just as dangerous, it is more about the presentation of their narcissism. These are the ones who could be a soccer-mom who looks all sweet on the outside but is extremely critical and emotionally abusive to their children. They would never in a million years admit they are cold hearted because they actually believe to their core they are good people. Many are church-going fake Christians hoping the façade stays intact. They need to be perceived as good and moral. They will go out of their way to help someone just to be adored by others. They may even spend time volunteering for the virtue signal effect. They are seeking pity constantly and complain about their lives on a daily basis. They are severely unhappy and it shows. Also very fragile, they will never admit they have done something wrong - especially to their children. They would rather go to the grave than admit it. When confronted, they may burst out into an all-out temper tantrum like a toddler because it makes them go crazy to shatter their inner world.

I hope this is helpful in understanding the world of the narcissists. There are so many ways this can show up in a person, but these are just some examples above. If you have encountered someone like this and you are seeking therapy and are in Texas, please reach out.