What is it like to be with a Narcissist?
There is nothing quite like the experience of narcissistic abuse. It is traumatic in a unique way and can leave you feeling stripped of who you thought you were. For the typical traits, a narcissist (someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder) portrays they are a wonderful, charming, thoughtful, caring person in order to lure their victims. To the world, this is how their persona remains. To their victim, a completely different story once they know you are hooked.
They will take note of your ability to empathize with others and especially with them. They take inventory of the ways in which they can criticize you as they get to know your insecurities. As they learn about your life, they are cataloging your traumas so they can use them as fuel to instigate fights or show that YOU are actually the ‘crazy’ one. The first 4-6 months are like a dream for the victim. It may seem like this is the one, the one he or she has been waiting for all their lives.
And then things begin to take a turn. Once the narcissist knows you are hooked - evidenced by the victim’s focus on them, they have learned what they need to know to use against them, the insidious conflict begins. It may start with a criticism, or a slight in front of colleagues and friends. It may be that they decide to openly flirt with your best friend so they can watch as you cringe with the audacity, or it may be that they begin lying about anything at all to see when they will get caught.
Nothing is ever the narcissists’ fault. They can do no wrong and they walk and talk as if they own the streets. Their inability to see their own irony is actually baffling and can contribute to the victim feeling as if they are going crazy. If they are confronted, they become like toddlers having a tantrum if they are not getting their way. Denial and rage can ensue, even violence. Being confronted with something they have wrongly done is the same as if you stabbed their ego with a brutal blow. In their minds, they are innocent and you made them hurt you. No matter how much evidence they have been shown of their wrongdoing, logic does not come into play. It will be thrown out and the victim is torn down to their core in retaliation. Physical violence, verbal abuse, threats of leaving the relationship, and using their partner’s past and insecurities against them are all possible tactics during a fight - nothing is off the table.
Once the fight is over, the victim is left confused, extremely frustrated, and many times doesn’t have the support to reach out to anyone for help. Their friends and family have warned them and they’re sick of hearing that you’re back together again. Sometimes it is just easier to stay.
The next part is the gaslighting and denial phase": “nothing happened” - “it wasn’t as bad as you thought” - “you’re being dramatic” - “who will believe you?” - “I love you, you know that!” - “If you hadn’t provoked me..”
Followed by a time of silence. They might want to see what you will do next, but they know they have you. Even through all the confusion and stress, they know you will forget how bad it was. Love-bombing can start. Flowers, trips, weekend plans, buying you dinner, taking you shopping, making you feel special and going WAY out of their way to show it. The “Knight-in-shining-armor” effect. This is the most manipulative and cunning tools of the narcissist. They know just what you want to hear and each time they go through the cycle with you, they improve their tactics.
It is addicting. It is one of the most difficult, excruciating things a person can endure - abuse from a narcissist. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing. They have a darkness in their soul eager to seep out.
The only escape is to leave with supportive people who can hold you accountable. Otherwise, they will suck you back in like a black hole.