Why is it so hard to leave a Narcissist?
Leaving the narcissist is like refusing what your body and nervous system has been fed for your entire life.
Most people who are victims of narcissistic abuse have been this way since they were born. Their parent or sometimes parents are also narcissistically abusive. They learned to seek out more of the same in adulthood in an effort to somehow prove they are worthy of love.
“If I can love them hard enough, they will eventually stop treating me this way and love me back.” - Said no one ever. This is a subconscious desire searing through a wound so deep they don’t even know its there. Some people don’t know their parent is a narcissist until they are well into their 20’s or 30’s - sometimes they never come-to-Jesus.
Children of narcissistic abuse are hardwired to believe they would be lovable if they worked harder. They are never good enough and self-criticize. They are perfectionistic and their inner critic is so loud they can’t even hear other thoughts. Some become critical of others as a defense mechanism, others become self-deprecating to the point of no return. Others become dissociative and fear they are the narcissist.
Not receiving love from the one person who is SUPPOSED to love you is the most excruciating realization. Even when confronted with this reality, many children of narcissistic parents deny it because it is too painful to accept.
So - why is it so hard to leave a narcissist partner? The ingrained patterns are so deep they resemble the grand canyon. Being taught by your own parent that you are not worthy of love means you accept anything that even slightly resembles love - sex, affection, a cherry on top of a pile of abuse, being ridiculed and humiliated but its only sometimes and the other times are good. This perpetuates the worthlessness and allows the narcissists out there to get their claws in and keep ripping to shreds whatever is left of you until you hit rock bottom. If you do at all.
There is a cycle to it - its not always bad. The brain of an abused child can easily overlook the bad and let the good outshine. The addiction to the “What if they change..?,” “I’ve already been with them for so long, I don’t want that time to be wasted.” There are endless lies victims tell themselves. It is engulfed with shame and guilt for staying and taking the abuse, and entangled with confusion and embarrassment.
In order to leave, you have to find REAL SUPPORT. Someone who understands what you are going through and helps you navigate the way through the forest and into the clearing. It is a rough road, one less travelled - but it is worth every ounce of effort.
YOU ARE WORTH IT.
There is hope. There is a way to see clearly after healing. The fear subsides that it will always be this way, and hope will find its way to you! The sooner you start that journey, the better. The narcissist never changes, they only get better at manipulating you as time goes on.